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Users guide: boyfriend programmer

Tue, Nov 20 2006 What programmers shout when they are drowning?
Programmer: F1, F1

Programmer: Here kid I brought you a new basketball
The Kid: Where is the user manual daddy?

Programmer: Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
Explanation: 404 is a HTTP Error code which means: Requested document could not be found.

There are 10 kinds of people: those that know binary and those that don't.

How German programmer says hi?
German Programmer: Zip-file.

A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
G.O.O.D answered his wife.

Two bytes meet...
First byte: Are you ill?
Second byte: No, just feeling a bit off.

Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?
No...??
Answer: Inheritance.

Why do programmers always get Christmas and Halloween mixed up?
Because DEC 25 = OCT 31

A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "Try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object to tie it to.



Light Bulb jokes:

How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They try to fix the old one.
"We looked at the light fixture and decided there's no point trying to maintain it. We're going to rewrite it from scratch. Could you wait two months?"

How many software testers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "We just recognized darkness, fixing it is someone else's problem."

How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
"You're still thinking procedurally! A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class!"

How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
Seventy two. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle ...

How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

How many IBM employees does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifteen. Five to do it, and ten to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incnadescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank".

How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.



Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.



Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

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